Monday, 13 January 2014

"Like a supermodel's vagina, let's all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio." GOLDEN GLOBES ARE HERE!

   
        Hi guys! My favourite awards happened again! I enjoy the Golden Globes a lot. I know most people hate them because they're like oh so cool and above it, but I have a lot of fun with them and I end up loving most of the winners, even more than the Oscars (nominate Leo, you mofos!).

1) So they didn't show the red carpet again, which is highly annoying. My internet speed sucks right now and it really is a candle pain in the ass to google red carpet arrivals at 6 in the morning. And it's so cold here too. I wanted to sleep but like any female person of 21, I *needed* to see pretty/ugly/weird (Paula Patton wtf) dresses.
2) Fun fact: my exams are in 5 days and I haven't studied a thing and I should be getting up at 6 to study but obviously I have my priorities straight.
3) Elisabeth Moss looked fantastic! So sleek and shiny and geometric. And man, I want shoes like that! Hers was my absolute favourite look of the evening.
I also really loved what Queen Cate, Emma Stone, Lupita Nyong'o and Caitlin FitzGerald wore.

4) Um, what were Jennifer Lawrence and Emma Watson wearing? Yes, I get that "Lawrencing" is now a thing, but that was one weird-ass looking dress. And Watson's clothes made me feel uncomfortable. It was so strange. Either wear pants or wear a dress, god! I love both of these women, but noooo.
5) However, JLaw did photobomb Taylor Swift, so all's forgiven.

6) SEXYFASSYSEXYFASSYSEXYFASSYFEXYSASSYSESSYFAXY *brain dead due to Michael Fassbender's sexiness*

7) Scruff was a general trend among the hot, HOT men- Fassy, Idris Elba, Chris Pine (my scruffy god), Leo and the man with the best face on earth, Joaquin Phoenix.

8) Fun fact: Everytime they showed Joaquin Phoenix laughing during the show, my heart sang a song à la Her.

9) The show finally begins. Amy and Tina are there making jokes and everything is as beautiful as always. Some choice jokes.
"Welcome to the 71st Annual Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's Lee Daniels' The Butler Golden Globes Awards."
"We are hosting the Golden Globes for the second time because this is Hollywood and if something kinda works, they'll keep doing it until everybody hates it."
"American treasure, Tam Honks." (I'm going to use that throughout this awards season, I promise)
"Meryl Streep, so great in August: Osage County, proving there are still great parts in Hollywood for Meryl Streeps over 60."
"Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age." - Best. Thing. Ever.
"For his role in Dallas Buyers Club, [Matthew McConaughey] lost 45 pounds, or what actresses call, being in a movie."- This too. BEST.

They cut to Jennifer Lawrence for the Amy Poehler intro. Her reaction was hilarious.

The Julia-Louis Dreyfus intro deserves a whole lot of applause on its own. Smoke that e-cigarette, gurrrlll!
Points to Reese Witherspoon for being such a sport.

10) I love Amy and Tina hosting this much because they do point out things like in the case of Clooney and McConaughey that are so incongruous in today's pop-culture, but they do it with enough charm to get away with it.
11) Also, they really got it in for Tam Honks, Martin Scorsese and most of all, Matt Damon this year. Wonder why. Still, it was funny.
12) So the first award was Best Supporting Actress and Jennifer Lawrence won that. Her speech was really sweet, almost as adorable as her date, Nicholas Hoult. I just want to say that I really do think that she did a great job with the one dimensional character she got in American Hustle and used all of her god-given star power and charisma to flesh out that role the best she could. However, she should really not be getting any awards this year. There are far, far superior performances that *should* be getting attention but aren't. If you just go with the kind of character she played in AH, there were Scarlett Johansson, Emma Watson and Margot Robbie, all of whom would have been a better choice. I blame Harvey Weinstein.
13) The next award went to Jacqueline Bisset who went into shock a little bit and as touching as it was originally, it became kind of super awkward to watch, especially with all the qualudes jokes that immediately started on Twitter.
14) Oh Margot Robbie and Jonah Hill came to present the Best Picture nomination for The Wolf of Wall Street except the teleprompter was showing the wrong stuff and then they started explaining it and Robbie got all embarrassed. It was hilarious and so cute. Some backstage person, who just reached the highest point of their life then, gave them a written speech and they continued. I really like Robbie :)
15) Bryan Cranston and Breaking Bad won Best Drama Actor and TV Show (Drama) and it was so well-deserved and brilliant and then Aaron Paul wrapped up the latter speech with "Yeah bitch, thank you!" I have never missed a term of profanity more in my life. So annoyed he didn't get the Best Supporting Actor award. BITCHES!

16) The way they kept playing all the people off was super-annoying and disrespectful. Just calm your tits, orchestra.
17) They brought the real life Philomania Philomena and Nicki Lauda to present their respective films, Philomena and Rush. I greatly respect the Globes for doing that. For all the claims of it being a show pandering to Hollywood royalty, it is the only award show which actually brings all these people who are so far removed from all that glamour and on whose normal, exciting, amazing lives, we get a lot of the movies. Bravo, I say.

18) The song categories were presented by P. Diddy (is that what he's called now?), Usher the third, Duke of Doucheville or something like that, and Kate Beckinsale, aka the oddest trio ever. Beckinsale looked positively vampiric. Someone wants another Underworld sequel, holla! They gave both the awards to All is Lost. Diddy was seriously pissed and tried to hug Bono, out-awkwarding Bisset by a mile.

19) AND NONE FOR TAYLOR SWIFT, BYE! (No, it will *never* get old)
20) Amy Adams won Best Comedy Actress for what seemed to me the only dramatic part in American Hustle. Seriously, with or without the hideous British accent, Sydney was a sad and dark character. Still, I do love Adams so I will pretend she got it for all the other times she's deserved to win. I wish actual comedic performances like those by Greta Gerwig and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, or if we are going the "dramedy" way, Julie Delpy would have won :( Anyways, RDJesus gave the award so yippee!
21) The Miss Globe this year was Kevin Bacon's and Kyra Sedgwick's daughter. That was the boring bit. Then Tina Fey came and introduced Mr. Globe, her son with someone in the audience- Randy.          
SO FUNNY! (look at Idris saying yes *swoons*)

22) Robin Wright won for House of Cards and thanked David Fincher. We should all thank Fincher just for existing.
23) Best Supporting Actor went to Jared Leto. Like uh duh. I've already lost interest in this category. For a tiny second, I thought maybe Fassy would win (since Hill isn't nominated- booooo), but nope. And then Leto went up and started talking about waxing again- like shut up about that already! Yes, I think you have very pretty eyes and very nice hair and are generally hot and your performance in Dallas Buyers Club was rather good, but now, you are just annoying me.
24) I started watching the Game of Thrones season 4 trailer during Leto's speech. Jorah, I have missed your sexy sexiness.
25) Oh then my own Khaleesi, Emma Thompson came on stage with her shoes in one hand and a martini in the other, to present the Best Screenplay. I would go to war for her.

26) Spike Jonze won the award for Her! YAAAAYYYYYYYY!! Spike Jonze has overtaken Paul Thomas Anderson for the being second sexiest director (Fincher being the first, duh). He's so cute and attractive and I want him.
27) Andy Samberg went Best Comedy Actor for Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Leo shook his hand :) His speech was the best of the night. It was like a parody of a speech but it was still honest. I loved it. Also, all the SNL people looked so happy.

28) The Great Beauty won Best Foreign Film. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! That movie was so over-the-top, it made my brain bleed. Also, it didn't star Adèle Exarchopolous and Lea Seydoux so we all know who the real winner is here.
29) Real-life Disney prince and princess, Chris Pine (unffff) and Emma Watson came to present Best Animated Feature, which went to Frozen and thus it was all very apt.
Let's take a moment to appreciate him again.

30) Khaleesi from the show, Emilia Clarke and Chris O' Donnell (I think :/) came to present Best Comedy Actress and it FINALLY went to Amy Poehler for Parks and Recreation. Apart from one award that will come up later, this was my favourite win of the night. I love her and her performance and her speech was hilarious too. Aubrey plaza was jumping out of joy (April Ludgate would not approve). Also, ew who wants to kiss Bono? He's like 80 years old.
31) The Woody Allen tribute happened next. He won the Cecil B. Demille Award, and Emma Stone gave the introduction. I cried during the montage of his films. Since Woody doesn't come to award shows, his cinematic other half, Diane Keaton (who just rocked her tuxedo), accepted on behalf of him and she sang a song, like Annie Hall would, in appreciation.
"Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. A circle is round, it has no end. That's how long you're going to be my friend."

It was so beautiful. She also spoke about how Woody has written such incredible roles for women over the years, and then the camera just panned across the room and there were indeed so many "Woody" actresses there. 179 actresses have been in his movies. Like wowsers. I cried here too. I really love Woody. If anyone deserves to live forever, it is him. I seriously want to meet him just once in my life. Also, kind of amazing that Stone and Keaton both came. Hopefully, it is a sign.

32) Ben Affleck's ugly chin came next, with the rest of him, to present the Best Director award which went to Alfonso Cuarón. Woo hoo! I literally fist-pumped the air when his name got announced. He seems like a wonderful person.
33) Then came THE award. I had started losing faith about Leo winning Best Comedy Actor because of this America Hustle sweep, but bless the film gods, LEO WON! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!! He pointed out how weird it was that he won for his comedic performance, thanking his " fellow comedians" but seriously, no one has made me laugh more in a movie. I wish Kate Winslet was there though. Then Leo could have declared his love for her like she did all those years back and the world would become an even better place. #JackandRose4eva

34) Still, the HFPA seemed pleased as punch with American Hustle, presenting it with Best Film Comedy/Musical. Just so wrong. I am going to start hating on AH because of all this unnecessary love. It is not the best film of any genre, except if wearing bad wigs or showing too much cleavage or blowing up an oven were genres. Please let it not become a frontrunner. It shouldn't even get an Oscar nomination.
35) Then Golden Globe winner Leonardo DiCaprio came to present Best Dramatic Actress. His intro (title of the post) was AWESOME. Seeing him present the award to Cate Blanchett was great. I think both of them have done similar work this year- using all of their talent and charisma and then just going batshit crazy with it. Cate is so graceful and beautiful. I don't think I could ever look directly at her. She's like the sun. Also she questioned the horrible play-off music-
"I just wondered if people at home can really hear this music or do they suddenly just think that you're just getting really fast because you're having a panic attack."
Followed by this cracker of a line-
"Plying me with vodka in the way Judy Garland was probably plowed with barbiturates."
How do they come up with this stuff?

36) Jessica Chastain came next to present the Best Drama Actor, which she gave to Matthew McConaughey (somewhere, Stevee Taylor was dancing). I admit I didn't listen to his speech but yaay! I am going to pretend the award is for WoWS, Magic Mike and Killer Joe instead.
37) Also, let's all give an award to Margaret for drunk-tweeting the Globes. It was beautiful.

37) And finally, Johnny Depp with bleached blonde hair came and presented Best Picture Drama (since Drama is soooo superior to Comedy), which went to 12 Years A Slave. A lot of people were relieved. I'm okay with it. I totally think that they will split the Best Film and Best Director at the Oscars too, 12 Years A Slave taking the former and Cuarón for the latter.

      And that was it. Yaay for Fassy coming on stage for *something*. There was no Gosling again and aww, no Hiddles even though half the Avengers were there. The only wins I am pissed with were American Hustle, The Great Beauty and Jon Voigt. Still, Leo, Amy, Spike and Woody were more than enough to make up for all that. Plus, so many shots of happy Joaquin. Anything that makes Joaquin happy, makes me happy. Now onto Ellen to wrap this up.


Be still, my beating heart.

24 comments:

  1. Jesus H. Christ, you're hilarious! I was soooo pissed The Great Beauty won. Such an overblown wannabe Fellini film. Poor Blue. And yeah, Jen didn't deserve that award. But overall, it was a great night. The jokes were just amazing. I've always loved the Globes more than the Oscars.

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    1. Aww, I try.
      That's exactly what The Great Beauty is.

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  2. "Diddy was seriously pissed and tried to hug Bono, out-awkwarding Bisset by a mile." hahaha, oh God Diddy was so hilarious on this stage, their whole presentation was such a mess.

    Brining in real people is so lovely, Bafta does it too, I loved when David Frost presented Frost/Nixon with Michael Sheen and I won't be surprised if they get few real people this year. You should check McConaughey's speech on youtube, his speech was the best of the night

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    1. It was a mess.

      I rarely get to see BAFTAs, but they're good too. Hopefully Hiddles will come this time.

      And cool, I shall watch.

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  3. LOL Love your recap. Especially the Taylor Swift/Mean Girls reference. I love that you brought up how classy it was of the HFPA to bring in the real people. That was a nice touch. Leo got the best intro every from Tina Fey.

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    1. Thanks!
      I loved Leo's reaction to the intro too. Too funny.

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  4. J-Law photobombing Taylor Swift... YES!!! I can't stand that bitch.

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  5. I loved the Globes, Tina and Poehler are the best hosts.Naturally, I was more excited about the TV noms than the cinema ones, so it was awesome to see her and Sandberg win. Except for Leo and Leto, they were beautiful.

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    1. I only watch Parks and Rec and Breaking Bad, and I was super psyched about them.
      Have to watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine now.

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  6. gawd i love jared leto and everything dallas buyers club. was surprised to see matt m win, but i couldn't even be mad about it. amy and tina were great, except the somali pirates jokes was a little uncomfortable. hmmm i only liked lupita from the photos you have here. i've seen cate and jennifer l much much better on the red carpet. this was a letdown. really hating the obsession over jennifer lawrence's everything. i like her, but clearly not as much as the internet loves her. LOVED julia louis dreyfuss and that dicaprio renamed Philomena for absolutely no reason. emma thompson is my bff though she doesn't know it. i love seeing joaquin smile. it's so so rare. and LOVED spike j winning.

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    1. I like Leto, but it gets dull when the race becomes this predictable.

      Yes, some of their jokes didn't work, but meh,

      I'm pretty sure Cate could wear a sack and she'll still make my list :P Hated what JLaw wore though,

      Oh well, like the hipsters say, I was into JLaw since Winter's Bone so yeah :P

      Haha, love Thompson so much.

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  7. Loved your commentary! My heart sank when The Great Beauty won over the other four terrific films. I was super pissed that Jon Voight won too... poor Aaron, he deserved recognition. Most importantly, American Hustle doesn't deserve any fucking awards. It's a good film, but by far the weakest in every category, performance wise and all. Couldn't agree with you more!

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    1. Thank you!
      Poor Aaron indeed. And god knows when he'll get a role like that again.
      AH- grrrrrrr.

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  8. Great rundown of the Globes, Nikhat!

    On the Woody Allen topic, I was wondering if you'd be able to answer a question for me - quite a divisive one as well - that I was having a discussion with my dad about: Can you separate an artists work from the artist, in this case Allen?

    I saw your tweet about Ronan Farrow, after what he'd said about Allen getting a lifetime achievement award at the Globes, and was interested to hear your opinion on it. I'm not a fan in particular of Woody's films, so I don't really have that moral dilemma as such, but in terms of his past behaviour - and a topic that is very close to home for me, too - I was thinking if you'd be able to shed any light on the situation at all, and is it more difficult enjoying Woody films knowing of what he has done in his personal life?

    Feel free not to answer the question (it's been something I've been trying to figure out for years and write about, in hope that I'll eventually crack it) but it'll be interesting to hear what you think nonetheless. Hopefully it'll help me in writing something about that question, too!

    As said before, anyway - great post!

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  9. "MOM, IS IT HIM!?" Solid gif. Great post!

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    1. Haha, well, I got it off the net so can't take credit for it.
      Thanks!

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  10. This was hands down my favourite three hours of this year so far. Probably because I haven't seen The Wolf of Wall Street this year, but you know, it was so fun. I was literally having heart attacks all over the place. When Leo won I actually cried. And the Matty M won and Jessica gave him the award and they did that little dance thing...IT WAS JUST SO BEAUTIFUL. And then I wake up the next morning and see that photo of Benedict and Fassy shredding the dancefloor...what?! Ah, Oscars, you have a lot of competition.

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    1. Oh I saw WoWS TWICE this year, so can't say this was my fav 3 hours, no :P
      I jumped around with joy when Leo won.

      Man, that photo of Benedict and Fassy has become my life. I want to party with these people.

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  11. Brilliant post! #19 killed me. :) Go Leo! Get that Oscar!

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    1. Hahaha thanks. YESS GET IT!

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  12. The Great Beauty was SUCH a bore. Ugh. I STILL haven't seen Blue is the Warmest Color, yet I still know it's better. Awesome and fun read, thanks! :D

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    1. EXACTLY! It *is* soooooooooo much better.
      Thank you for saying that!

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